How to survive divorce

During the past 20 years, I have worked with countless numbers of men and women who are either going through or recently have gone through a divorce.

In some cases, it was a necessary process to escape from addiction or abuse. While it may have been a relief, most often it has been a painful journey. In some ways, it is like leaving a job that began with great hope and promise, ending in sadness and despair. It also may have contained romantic dreamlike qualities that will never again happen the same way.

At the very least, it represents a time of change which may alter the course of many lives.

In most divorces, similar to dealing with the death of someone close, survival often requires a grieving process. Some of the stages of grief that may be experienced are:
• Denial of feelings that accompany the experience
• Shock, numbness; part of you is working, part not
• Pain (both emotional and physical)
• Anger at your partner and/or yourself
• Fear, anxiety, panic
• Loneliness; fear of being alone, but yearning to be alone
• Sleep disturbances
• Relief, acceptance, recovery

There are many other areas of grieving that may occur. The critical point is that you must go through it in order to recover. I don’t know of any viable shortcuts.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, however. The first step is to realize that the distress you are feeling is to be expected by anyone going through this process. The goal of grieving is to reach a state of acceptance and inner peace.

True, you may never be the same again; however, change is not necessarily all bad. While separation and divorce are sometimes devastating, they can provide a learning process in which unconditional self-acceptance evolves.

Remember, grieving is not the same as being seriously dysfunctional. By that I mean staying in bed all day, not being able to leave the house, not going to work or taking care of your family, and certainly not experiencing deep depression or anxiety and panic. If that happens, get professional help.

Finally, issues of money, geographical transition, and establishing a new lifestyle become primary concerns in most divorces, especially when children are involved.

Having a good support system of concerned friends and/or relatives, spiritual reinforcement, and staying physically active will help. This is also a time when constructive counseling can be most effective