Refuse to make yourself miserable

The following examples and discussion are part of a process that works. It is not just some therapy babble that sounds good; it is a way of thinking that will help you out of irrational thought misery.

Let's say you are applying for a job - you have told your family and several close friends when the interview is taking place. You want to perform well and be accepted by others. You are probably concerned that you might fail. Your healthy concern encourages you to prepare, and act competently.

At the end of the interview, however, you are told that you have not been selected as a finalist. How do you feel? The answer depends upon what you think or believe about not being selected.

For example, if you think it is unfortunate and you will just need to work at doing better the next time, you may feel sad and disappointed. If you believed that you absolutely had to succeed and would now look like a complete moron, you may feel ashamed, somewhat depressed, and miserable.

Believe it or not, how you feel is up to you. In other words, you don't have to make yourself feel terrible.

Let's cite another example. Several years ago, I saw a young man in therapy (we'll call him Bill) who was experiencing extreme self-pity and moderate depression. His girlfriend had left him for another man. In this case, I learned what happened and how he felt in the first 20 minutes of the session. My first response, which is typical in my sessions, was to ask him what kind of thoughts he was having. He replied, "I just told you, I feel like a complete waste."

"You mean you think you're a 'waste' because she left you," I replied.

"Yes," said Bill. "If I'd been worth anything as a man, she wouldn't have gone."

Because his girlfriend left, Bill believes he is a "waste" and "worthless." Who wouldn't feel depressed and pitiful? Notice the distinction I've made between what Bill thinks or believes and how he feels. This is an important difference, one that even therapists get confused about. However, it should be fairly easy to get Bill to challenge his irrational thinking, and thereby, modify his miserable feelings.

Here's how to help Bill feel better. His irrational thoughts or beliefs have gotten him into trouble. Irrational in this case means there is no evidence to support what he believes. Because she left him, is he a waste of a person and a worthless human being? Of course not! Feeling sad and at a loss, or even frustrated is perfectly normal. To feel depressed and miserable is not.

Another way of understanding this process is: Although what happens may be the trigger, how you view what happens leads directly to how you feel.

For example, if Bill believed it was unfortunate and disappointing that his girlfriend left, but also believed that life goes on, would he feel better? You bet he would.