RobertHowat's blog

It is tempting to hold others responsible for our unhappiness and misfortune. Who among us has not pointed toward someone else as being the cause of our misery? The problem is, it doesn’t work! One reason why is that blaming others often involves self-defeat and shame, neither of which brings much joy.

John Bradshaw, a well-known therapist, has an exercise that closely addresses self-care and love. Think back as far as you can to when you were a child. Try to visualize a picture of the little girl or boy in your thoughts. Now, imagine your adult self taking a walk in the woods and encountering the little child in your mind. Is there anything you would like to say to your child? Will you tell your child that you are there to support and love her/him? That you will be caring and take her/him in your arms and give your child a hug? Bradshaw refers to this part of each of us as our “inner child.” We all have one, and even when it seems that no one else cares, our adult selves can be there in a loving way.

On a flight to Colorado to visit family members, my wife and I had an interesting, somewhat annoying experience. Sitting behind us was a family of three - mother, father and son, who was probably about 5 or 6 years of age.

Throughout the flight the mother and child maintained a dialogue which, except for the recognizable differences in voice tone, made it difficult to know who was the adult. Another explanation might be that mom was conducting a two-hour therapy session with her son. From what I could tell, the father did not say a word. So, what's the problem?

While selecting a topic this month, it became clear that I'd forgotten most of my recent thoughts and possibilities. Later, I recalled one area of interest dealing with mild cognitive impairment, or MCI, which originally had been my choice. Referring to the Harvard Mental Health Letter, this type of impairment is " twice as common as dementia." Thank goodness!

According to some experts, mild cognitive impairment can be an intermediate state between normal forgetfulness that occurs with age, and more pronounced thinking deficits that characterize dementia.

One of the best things about doing psychotherapy is that you are almost forced to think positively, that is, if you really want to help people. In other words, therapy is often therapeutic, even for the therapist.
This doesn’t mean that I will no longer charge for my services, but it is a terrific benefit.

There is a relatively new field in our business called “positive psychology.” If you read many of the old books on counseling, often there is a preoccupation with pain and suffering. Indeed, research on this topic has shown that less than 5 percent of the psychotherapy texts discuss positive feelings and outcomes. While it is important to be able to accurately diagnose emotional problems, moving on to more hopeful, happier ground should be the goal.

In my last column, I discussed the difficulty so many people have with anxiety and/or panic attacks.

There are several anti-anxiety prescription medications which come under the class called "benzodiazepines," such as Ativan, Klonopin, Librium, Valium, Xanax and many others.

One problem with these medications is that they are potentially habit-forming and can produce withdrawal symptoms.

There are many others such as tricyclic antidepressants that can be effective but also have potential drawbacks. Please keep in mind that I am a licensed psychotherapist, not a medical doctor.

Is there anyone who has not experienced some degree of anxiety? It is the most common emotional condition reported in the United States. If you are unfortunate enough to also suffer from panic attacks, I don’t have to tell you how frightening they can be.

There is good news — most often both can be reduced and, in many cases, completely managed without taking medication. As you may be aware, physicians will tell you some anxiety medications often can be habit-forming and potentially addictive.

First, let’s discuss anxiety. Words like nervous, worried and afraid are often associated with this state. That’s not necessarily all bad, you know. You often hear comedians and performers claim that if they haven’t had some degree of stage fright, their performance suffers. That’s also true of many other endeavors in life, in which a degree of tension puts us more on our game. The problem is when the anxious moments don’t end and begin to interfere with one’s ability to function and enjoy life on a daily basis.

During the past 20 years, I have worked with countless numbers of men and women who are either going through or recently have gone through a divorce.

In some cases, it was a necessary process to escape from addiction or abuse. While it may have been a relief, most often it has been a painful journey. In some ways, it is like leaving a job that began with great hope and promise, ending in sadness and despair. It also may have contained romantic dreamlike qualities that will never again happen the same way.

At the very least, it represents a time of change which may alter the course of many lives.

There have been truckloads of articles and books written about the secret passage to happiness. I think it basically has to do with unconditional self-acceptance - accepting yourself as a good, not perfect, human being no matter what.

I suppose I'd rather be rich and unhappy than poor and unhappy, but I'd really just like to be happy!

Let me warn you up front - self-acceptance is not as easy as it sounds. It doesn't mean that you will always feel good. Painful feelings are an important part of life, so long as they don't result in mental illness.

The following examples and discussion are part of a process that works. It is not just some therapy babble that sounds good; it is a way of thinking that will help you out of irrational thought misery.

Let's say you are applying for a job - you have told your family and several close friends when the interview is taking place. You want to perform well and be accepted by others. You are probably concerned that you might fail. Your healthy concern encourages you to prepare, and act competently.

At the end of the interview, however, you are told that you have not been selected as a finalist. How do you feel? The answer depends upon what you think or believe about not being selected.

There is an old joke about three rather scholarly men discussing the origin of life. The first stated "Life begins at conception." The second said, "I don't agree, life begins at the birth of a child." The third gentleman chimed in, "I believe that life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies." Many residents of Nassau County can relate to this topic of humor.

As many of us have learned, rather painfully at times, retirement from a busy work and social schedule is not such a smooth and easy adjustment. This can be even more difficult when the kids and grandchildren live long distances away. Sometimes, you can't live with them or without them. Thank goodness for modern methods of communicating - that is, if we learn how to use them. E-mails, digital cameras and CDs, and a variety of new toys and tools can make the break a lot easier. I say this as one who is not a rocket scientist on the computer.